McKinley-Sullivan Feud/Destruction of Murfreesboro/End of the Series
During the spring of 2014, Jackie and Dunlap announced that they were continuing the podcast only to Episode 100 unless they secured an invitation from the George W. Bush Presidential Library to do a live podcast on the premises. They later expanded their demands for continuing the podcast to include having actor Matthew Broderick accompany them for this special event. These demands were later dropped or forgotten. It should be noted that, despite the duo’s insistence that they had set their limit of 100 episodes from the very beginning, they first mentioned the scheduled termination of the series only around Episode 75.

The 100th episode was released on September 22, 2014. Technically, it was only Episode 98, but according to Jackie and Dunlap, they were recording on October 5, 2014. During the intervening two weeks, Dunlap had convinced Jackie that they were recording their weekly podcast, but this was simply playacting in order to keep them occupied while they were hiding out in Jockey’s bunker following the destruction of much of Murfreesboro in the wake of the McKinley-Sullivan Feud.

As was revealed in Episode 96, Mayor Tee-Tee Slott attempted to bring peace to Murfreesboro by the convening of a peace summit at the city fair, located near the Pepsi machine that has the llama tied up next to it. She managed to convince Sullivan and McKinley to set aside their grievances, and the outlook for the future seemed bright, especially when Mayor Slott announced free popcorn to the assembled crowds, wheeling out the popcorn machine from the Murfreesboro Museum. However, the popcorn machine proved broken, and the mood of the crowd quickly soured. Riots broke out. At the fair, Coley’s Snack Foods had hosted a dunking booth using prisoners from their private prison complex—some dressed as demons, with others dressed in regular prison garb. Because the crowds had objected to so many hundreds of prisoners roaming around, the show cows had been released from their pens so that the prisoners could be locked up. These cows created a great deal of confusion as the crowds became angry, inflaming the situation. In addition, the poor security around the cow pens allowed the prisoners to escape. Though the girl from Gun Sonic managed to shoot a few, hundreds still fled to the woods around Murfreesboro, led by Don Jeckyll Jr., who had become a Marxist during his latest round in prison. (As it happens, the popcorn machine had been damaged by Doctor Birdman and Johnny Greenstreet when they, assisted by Jackie Broyles, broke into the Murfreesboro Museum to follow up rumors that Hurt Bird was being kept in the basement.)

Episode 98 reveals what happened following this outbreak of violence, including the repeated changeover in the mayoral position. Tee-Tee Slott declared martial law, using her own Slott Cops as well as assuming command of the Peanut Pockets Patrol from the Peanut Pockets Steakhouse. However, she put in charge of her security the Gun Sonic girl, who had previously dated one of the McElroy boys. This allowed for a coup d’etat whereby Reo McElroy was able to assume political control of Murfreesboro, driving Tee-Tee Slott away to McMinnville, Tennessee and renaming the city Hoseboro. He quickly proved unpopular, as his only signature policy was to give everyone in town a hose. Meanwhile, riots continued, and everything off the square was burned. Only the town mosque, the square, and Jackie’s Market were left standing, the latter preserved by the efforts of the Hosewater crew and Wetbreads. Then occurred the “Three Great Speeches,” as they were later called. In the first, Lynette revealed that the picture of her with the man holding her breast was taking with the full knowledge of her husband, who was into cuckold fetishism. In the second, the Cobbler Guy, whose name nobody will reveal, cussed at the entirety of Murfreesboro’s citizenry. As people were absorbing this, Don Jeckyll Jr., now wearing a Bane mask and calling himself Bane Jeckyll Jr., climbed atop the Peanut Pockets tank and said simply, “Get him.” People were more than happy to chase down the Cobbler Guy, pursuing him to the McMinnville city limits. In a popular upswell, Bane Jeckyll Jr. took over the reins of the mayor’s office, banishing Reo McElroy to McMinnville and ordering the immediate execution of his former fellow prisoners.

During the violence, Dunlap managed to drag Jackie into the bunker underneath Jockey’s Market, his most hated competitor. They spent much of their time eating the voluminous provisions of the bunker, though Dunlap also masturbated repeatedly in the bunker’s chapel. When e-mail comes back online, Dunlap, from the safety of the bunker, is able to reveal what has gone on during their prolonged absence underground. Noteworthy is the disappearance of all the major figures of the Hurt Bird saga. Doctor Birdman’s truck was found wrecked, with the word “Squawk” written in blood on the windshield and feathers lying around. In similar circumstances did his henchman, Jimmy, and the manager of the Big Lots parking lot, where Doctor Birdman regularly appeared, also disappear. Dunlap remarks to Jackie that, as someone who regularly hosted Doctor Birdman, Jackie should be afraid for his life. Jackie dismisses this, though he does receive a phone call to the bunker that consists of nothing more than demonic squawking and other bird noises. At the end of the podcast, as Dunlap happens to mention that he was the one who took those fetish pictures of Lynette (and thus had known all along that it was not Sullivan’s hand on her boob and could have prevented all the violence that resulted), there is a fevered knocking on the bunker door. The door breaks open, and all that can be heard are Jackie and Dunlap screaming amid fearsome bird noises. With that, the episode ends.

Episode 99 finds Dunlap attempting to comfort a dying Jackie. As Jackie seems on the verge of passing away, Dunlap confesses that he is actually a virgin, that he had performed a number of sexual acts with various women, including anal and facials with multiple partners, but had never engaged in vaginal penetration with his own penis. Meanwhile, Jackie dies and goes to heaven, where he encounters God, who looks like Dunlap and informs him that this is not People Heaven but rather Goat Heaven. Jackie’s job is to build a pen to contain all the departed goats that have ever lived, and he spends hundreds of years doing this, followed by hundreds of years caring for the goats when they finally arrive. Then, Dunlap God comes and rounds up all the goats for a big barbecue in People Heaven, giving Jackie the option of staying there in empty Goat Heaven or returning to his earthly form. Thus, he comes back to life at the very moment he had died and informs Dunlap that he now knows how precious each moment is, adding, “I’m never doing another parkast again!”

Episode 100 is set in the 2030s, with the duo recording their 1,000th podcast at the George W. Bush Memorial Library in New Murfreesboro. Dunlap is an old and grizzled man, having reportedly served as a mercenary for many years, and while Jackie is no longer alive, his consciousness has been downloaded into a mechanism Dunlap dubs the “Jackietron.” Unfortunately, Jackie cannot remember any of the time between 2014 and the future-present, losing his memory each time he is turned off, and so Dunlap has to inform him of events that occurred in the intervening years. For example, Tee-Tee Slott is now president and regularly issues They Live-like decrees, such as “Obey, Consume, Fear, Report.” Dunlap promises a special event at the end of the podcast, which ends up being sending Jackie back in time to October 5, 2014 (the time period of Episodes 98 and 99), right after he had returned to life, to convince his living self not to stop podcasting (thus engaging in a predestination paradox). Only the Jackietron can go, as time travel in the 2030s has not progressed to the point of sending living matter through time. Upon arriving in the bunker underneath Jockey’s Market, the Jackietron attempts to kill Jackie so as to prevent ever ending up in a robot body in the first place. However, Jackie is able to kill the robot with a broom handle, and the Jackietron’s last words are a garbled, “Thank you.” In response to the appearance of the robot, Dunlap is able to convince Jackie that he must assume the mantle of the leader in the resistance against the robot uprising, and as the podcast ends, with the score from The Terminator playing in the background, a narrator informs listeners that Jackie continued podcasting anti-robot messages, though no one ever paid him any attention.

I’ll tell you this: It’s been a crazy month!

(via red-state-update)

New track from Holtzclaw’s upcoming fall release This Tape Is Drunk.

New track from Holtzclaw’s upcoming fall release This Tape Is Drunk.

Mark Wilson